Bullshit fears

FearsAs the new year began I did a map with a friend where instead of focusing on a past choice we explored a future one. Her choice is to share her gifts and do whatever it takes to do that.

My first question was to ask if her there are any fears she has to let go of to make that choice.

Her list was long.

  • I fear that others won’t show up and listen to me.
  • I’m scared they won’t like me.
  • I fear that I won’t be able to clearly articulate my message.
  • I’m really scared that I’m not going to do what I promised myself I would.
  • I’m afraid I’ll stay mediocre
  • I’m scared they won’t like my message
  • I’m scared if I show up and really share my perspective and message that I’ll offend people
  • I’m scared because I don’t know how to do the technology piece.
  • And, my biggest fear is that I won’t make money, yet again.

As she shared her fears, the heaviness in her energy was palpable. But, for her to really look at her fears honestly, and move beyond them, she had to get them out.

I need to ask you something very directly.

Yes, what?

Some of your fears sound like they’re bullshit. Is that possible? They sound like old stories, like they’re part of an older you.

Of course it’s possible, I hadn’t thought about it.

What if we go through each of the fears one by one and you tell me on a scale of one to ten how “live” that fear is?

Sounds good.

Let’s start with your fear of they won’t like me. Is that really true? You’re a grown woman with three children. Are you really worried that some random person you don’t even know won’t like you? Is that a bullshit fear or does it still have a hold on you? From one to ten what would you give it?

That one’s total bullshit. I used to be a big people-pleaser but I’ve evolved. I’ve learned to deal with negative feedback. I’d say that’s a two. Give me another one.

What about the fear that you’re not going to do it and will disappoint yourself?

That’s also bullshit. Truth is at this point I can’t not move forward. I’d totally depress myself if I did that. That one’s probably a three.

It’s interesting to me that the first two fears are rooted in old stories that you’ve held onto. It’s time for you to re-tell some of those stories and acknowledge that you’re not as held back as you thought you were. What about the fear of not knowing the technology piece?

That’s still a big one for me. When I think about all the technology needed for my site, whether that’s podcasts or blogs, I completely shut down, I don’t know how to do it and don’t want to learn.

So what about hiring it out? No one said that you have to do it all yourself. Your gift is your message not your technical prowess.

I know, but I get scared of spending money.

I get that but what about looking at it another way? If you don’t get your work out there in a way that others can digest it, you’ll never be able to receive money. How about finding a reasonably priced virtual assistant to help with some of the more challenging tasks that will ultimately lead to revenue?

I know you’re right, I’ve just been resistant.

So, what’ll it take for you to own that you don’t need to be the chief cook in your business and let some of what you’re not naturally good at go?

Clearly I have to do it.

As I recently turned 50, and am back in the dating world, I reflect on which stories I’ll share, and which stories feel truthful to where I am right now, and which are outdated, and just bullshit. There are times I share a story, or a fear, on autopilot, and as the words come out of my mouth I think “that’s not me anymore, that’s old.” That story’s been healed and is in need of a major rewrite.

Now, before sharing anything, I stay conscious and ask myself, is this something going on for me now, or it is rooted in my past?

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